Weak.

My sister's recent boyfriend decided it was okay to message some girl and try to get back with her then she found out about it and got totally upset.
I, the supportive and extremely defensive sister, kicked into momma bear and decided to tell him off in person and treat him like he's a piece of shit. I'm talking if you were a bystander, you'd be scared shitless.
I threw at his face every dirty word on urban dictionary to explain to him how much of a low life he is and how if he "loved" her so much he wouldn't have hurt her.
Then I realized, I am such a hypocrite. I let my boyfriend toss me like a garden house salad and then just dump me in the trash every time.
I'm weak, but I present a strong front and sometimes those who know me well enough can unwrap my packaging and realize that maybe I don't use much ethos to prove that my advice is valid.

Meet you in the Rye, Catch.

Alone.

this feeling. I'm not so sure what it is. Throughout these past few days I've felt like everything has been drained out of me. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally. I don't care to do anything. I've turned into an absolute introvert who doesn't even care enough to reply to my own boyfriend. He says I'm scaring him. But maybe I'm scaring myself; not wanting to have anything to do with anything, too effortless to even murmur a simple hello to passing family members among the house. Thrilled to know that I will have a couple hours in the house alone. Everything seems to frustrate me: conversations seem meaningless and a waste of breath, tasks seem pointless, and nothing is on TV. I do not fear that I am going through a depressive state, rather I fear that I may not get out of it fast enough.

Meet you in the Rye, Catch.

Boy.

So I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I've been mistreated for the two years that we've been together.

I keep having these recurring nightmares where he starts dating his then "friend" and I wake up crying and wanting to talk to him.

The whole week after I broke up with him he kept asking for me back and telling me he's scared that I'm just dragging him along and now I kinda wish that I would have taken him back before I left for Thanksgiving Break. I can't stand being without him. 


I just hope it isn't too late.
Meet you in the Rye, Catch.

What a catch.

Nothing's worse than drama. It's really difficult to concentrate on important things such as getting that 4.0 in college when emotions and drama overshadows it. I'm talking about boys having emotional attachments to me. I thought this would stop in high school since I moved onto this huge campus with plenty of other girls to steal the hearts of boys, but nooo... they still crawl to my feet. A lot of them at that. And the majority of them are older. But see, I don't like them but something makes them believe that if I wasn't taken I'd somehow be interested in them, but I don't know how to tell them that? Because they still try really hard to win me over and frankly, it's not working. And they're all boys of a different race. Don't get me wrong, I'm not racist or anything, but my dad is and if i were to bring anyone home that wasn't white and I said i was dating him, he would disown me anyway, so I've just never seen anyone outside my race as attractive just because I have never  thought of them as more than a friend.

But a good friend of mine told me that I shouldn't have to worry about boy drama unless I'm single, which I'm not, so I'll just ignore it like I usually do aha


Meet you In the Rye, Catch.

Except.

I don't know why I haven't posted in a while, I've had a lot of drama going on. I feel like I have to carry everyone on my shoulders. I make sure no one walks on anyone, I talk to people and help them understand what people are doing to them is wrong, and I'm the ear that everyone talks to because they know that I have advice and a shoulder and anything under the sun that they may need. I can do all of these things for anyone, I'll be there for anyone,

Except for myself. I allow myself to be pushed down, get stepped on, I get my face rubbed in the dirt, I get my fingers smashed under the forced window sill, forced against my will against a wall until I'm too scared to say no, I get kicked and scratched and shoved and bit, and for god's sake, spat on. I get yelled at, know constantly what it's like to be a disappointment, I'm unappreciated, unrecognized, and just,

Invisible. I might as well be invisible. Everything I do. I try to please you. I'm scared. No, scratch that. I'm TERRIFIED that every second I can't be there for you, that's one more second that someone else is. I'm not good enough. I'm flawed. I'm not smart, I ask too many questions and don't have many answers. Trick questions? All questions are tricks. Tricks for your scheming games to prove to me that you're that much smarter. You never hold my hand. We haven't hugged in ages. The only time you give me attention is when you see another guy treating me better than you ever have. And you know he is. And knowing that someone else is better to me than you just kills you. So you have to prove yourself. Which shows how more of a jerk you are. I kiss you and you literally shrug it off like I'm a disease. Like I contaminated your face with something you don't want,

Like ME. What's wrong with me. People say I'm the most beautiful creature they have ever discovered. Like an unknown butterfly, that out of chance, happened to land on their shoulder. THEIR shoulder. They treat me like I'm some type of goddess. They laugh at everything I say, they smile at everything I say, they admire me just because I "look cute" when I talk. I'm caring. I make sure everyone is happy and having a good time even if I'm not. I seem to be able to please everyone,

Except for you. But if you are the only one I can't please, why am I so compelled to be with you? Why does every dream of mine start with an image of you. Why do I fall to my knees every time you aren't happy because I think I did something wrong? Why do I always long  to be closer, even when you're sitting right beside me. Why do I always do as you say, just to stay out of the dog house? Why am I so,

Madly in love with you?

You will be the death of me before there's a death of us.

Meet you In the Rye, Catch.

Explore.

Being in college has its perks, having "that room that everyone who's anyone comes over", having a fully stocked fridge, only having two classes on Monday and one class on Friday, then having unlimited access to the best gym in the world. And let's not forget the  parties. Drunkenness can be both fun and hilarious, but sometimes, it isn't always a good thing. I've had some great times while drunk, being center of attention, everyone wants to play beer pong with you regardless if you suck, all the guys hit on you, resulting in your boyfriend getting all jealous then finally publicly showing his affection toward me. It's great, and well-worth a hangover in the morning. Downside? Not being able to control what others do to you. I'm not talking about your everyday, "one in three girls get date-raped by someone they know", but somehow I drunkenly consented to having sex with my boyfriend. Now, we have sex, don't get me wrong, but I have always been in my right mind, no matter how drunk I am, to not have sex. Period. Somehow we ended up having sex. No big deal right? Wrong. I found out later the next day that we had anal. OH HELL NO. I do not do that. My memory started coming to me, I distinctly remember me continuously telling him to stop because it kept hurting, but he was pull out, tell me, "It's okay, it's gonna stop hurting after a while" and then me not moving, and him trying it again. Oh let me tell you, I felt it in the morning. It sucks. I don't know how people do it... PAIN. I may be into the whole bite my neck, claw my back, pull my hair, throw me down, slap my ass, and pin me down, but I am NOT into this shit.

Word of advice, just because you have been in a long-term relationship does not mean you have to feel pressured to always have sex NOR does it mean you have to explore... ESPECIALLY when you're drunk. Lay some ground rules before you drink, and practice learning how to vocalize your requests when someone tries to get in your pants. If they're food people, they'll understand.

Meet you In the Rye, Catch.

Fluid.

College parties are interesting. You get all dressed up and feel pretty cool because you got this outfit specifically so you can show it off, so once you're ready you pumped up to leave, then halfway there in the carride you're kind of iffy because you're worried you won't know anyone there. Turns out, you know one person; the one that invited you. So, you trail off toward the fridge, appearing to be calm and collected, but really, you're freaking out on the inside, afraid you may seem sketch, awkward, not cool enough. First beer goes down, eh it's not the best, but it does it's job. You're buzzed. Feeling a little calmer. Well, that's liquid courage for you. Second beer, eh tastes a little better, but still not good. A little more buzzed, fourth beer goes down, you're getting loose and tipsy. Let the party start. You start meeting everyone, shaking hands, leaning on them, hugs are you're absolute best friend. They start engaging in conversation with YOU as soon as you act funny or start laughing for a random reason, you're obviously drunk at this point. Everyone is pretty much your best friend once you're drunker than everyone at the party. They give you more attention, they ask if you want more beer, they joke around more. It's awesome.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is: IT'S GOOD TO BE ME.

Because, well, the 99.9999999% majority of my friends are, in fact, male. Meaning, I get a lot of attention, I get invited a lot of places, including parties, and I overall, have a lot of friends. It's fucking awesome.

Meet you in the Rye, Catch.