Boy.

So I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I've been mistreated for the two years that we've been together.

I keep having these recurring nightmares where he starts dating his then "friend" and I wake up crying and wanting to talk to him.

The whole week after I broke up with him he kept asking for me back and telling me he's scared that I'm just dragging him along and now I kinda wish that I would have taken him back before I left for Thanksgiving Break. I can't stand being without him. 


I just hope it isn't too late.
Meet you in the Rye, Catch.

What a catch.

Nothing's worse than drama. It's really difficult to concentrate on important things such as getting that 4.0 in college when emotions and drama overshadows it. I'm talking about boys having emotional attachments to me. I thought this would stop in high school since I moved onto this huge campus with plenty of other girls to steal the hearts of boys, but nooo... they still crawl to my feet. A lot of them at that. And the majority of them are older. But see, I don't like them but something makes them believe that if I wasn't taken I'd somehow be interested in them, but I don't know how to tell them that? Because they still try really hard to win me over and frankly, it's not working. And they're all boys of a different race. Don't get me wrong, I'm not racist or anything, but my dad is and if i were to bring anyone home that wasn't white and I said i was dating him, he would disown me anyway, so I've just never seen anyone outside my race as attractive just because I have never  thought of them as more than a friend.

But a good friend of mine told me that I shouldn't have to worry about boy drama unless I'm single, which I'm not, so I'll just ignore it like I usually do aha


Meet you In the Rye, Catch.

Except.

I don't know why I haven't posted in a while, I've had a lot of drama going on. I feel like I have to carry everyone on my shoulders. I make sure no one walks on anyone, I talk to people and help them understand what people are doing to them is wrong, and I'm the ear that everyone talks to because they know that I have advice and a shoulder and anything under the sun that they may need. I can do all of these things for anyone, I'll be there for anyone,

Except for myself. I allow myself to be pushed down, get stepped on, I get my face rubbed in the dirt, I get my fingers smashed under the forced window sill, forced against my will against a wall until I'm too scared to say no, I get kicked and scratched and shoved and bit, and for god's sake, spat on. I get yelled at, know constantly what it's like to be a disappointment, I'm unappreciated, unrecognized, and just,

Invisible. I might as well be invisible. Everything I do. I try to please you. I'm scared. No, scratch that. I'm TERRIFIED that every second I can't be there for you, that's one more second that someone else is. I'm not good enough. I'm flawed. I'm not smart, I ask too many questions and don't have many answers. Trick questions? All questions are tricks. Tricks for your scheming games to prove to me that you're that much smarter. You never hold my hand. We haven't hugged in ages. The only time you give me attention is when you see another guy treating me better than you ever have. And you know he is. And knowing that someone else is better to me than you just kills you. So you have to prove yourself. Which shows how more of a jerk you are. I kiss you and you literally shrug it off like I'm a disease. Like I contaminated your face with something you don't want,

Like ME. What's wrong with me. People say I'm the most beautiful creature they have ever discovered. Like an unknown butterfly, that out of chance, happened to land on their shoulder. THEIR shoulder. They treat me like I'm some type of goddess. They laugh at everything I say, they smile at everything I say, they admire me just because I "look cute" when I talk. I'm caring. I make sure everyone is happy and having a good time even if I'm not. I seem to be able to please everyone,

Except for you. But if you are the only one I can't please, why am I so compelled to be with you? Why does every dream of mine start with an image of you. Why do I fall to my knees every time you aren't happy because I think I did something wrong? Why do I always long  to be closer, even when you're sitting right beside me. Why do I always do as you say, just to stay out of the dog house? Why am I so,

Madly in love with you?

You will be the death of me before there's a death of us.

Meet you In the Rye, Catch.

Explore.

Being in college has its perks, having "that room that everyone who's anyone comes over", having a fully stocked fridge, only having two classes on Monday and one class on Friday, then having unlimited access to the best gym in the world. And let's not forget the  parties. Drunkenness can be both fun and hilarious, but sometimes, it isn't always a good thing. I've had some great times while drunk, being center of attention, everyone wants to play beer pong with you regardless if you suck, all the guys hit on you, resulting in your boyfriend getting all jealous then finally publicly showing his affection toward me. It's great, and well-worth a hangover in the morning. Downside? Not being able to control what others do to you. I'm not talking about your everyday, "one in three girls get date-raped by someone they know", but somehow I drunkenly consented to having sex with my boyfriend. Now, we have sex, don't get me wrong, but I have always been in my right mind, no matter how drunk I am, to not have sex. Period. Somehow we ended up having sex. No big deal right? Wrong. I found out later the next day that we had anal. OH HELL NO. I do not do that. My memory started coming to me, I distinctly remember me continuously telling him to stop because it kept hurting, but he was pull out, tell me, "It's okay, it's gonna stop hurting after a while" and then me not moving, and him trying it again. Oh let me tell you, I felt it in the morning. It sucks. I don't know how people do it... PAIN. I may be into the whole bite my neck, claw my back, pull my hair, throw me down, slap my ass, and pin me down, but I am NOT into this shit.

Word of advice, just because you have been in a long-term relationship does not mean you have to feel pressured to always have sex NOR does it mean you have to explore... ESPECIALLY when you're drunk. Lay some ground rules before you drink, and practice learning how to vocalize your requests when someone tries to get in your pants. If they're food people, they'll understand.

Meet you In the Rye, Catch.

Fluid.

College parties are interesting. You get all dressed up and feel pretty cool because you got this outfit specifically so you can show it off, so once you're ready you pumped up to leave, then halfway there in the carride you're kind of iffy because you're worried you won't know anyone there. Turns out, you know one person; the one that invited you. So, you trail off toward the fridge, appearing to be calm and collected, but really, you're freaking out on the inside, afraid you may seem sketch, awkward, not cool enough. First beer goes down, eh it's not the best, but it does it's job. You're buzzed. Feeling a little calmer. Well, that's liquid courage for you. Second beer, eh tastes a little better, but still not good. A little more buzzed, fourth beer goes down, you're getting loose and tipsy. Let the party start. You start meeting everyone, shaking hands, leaning on them, hugs are you're absolute best friend. They start engaging in conversation with YOU as soon as you act funny or start laughing for a random reason, you're obviously drunk at this point. Everyone is pretty much your best friend once you're drunker than everyone at the party. They give you more attention, they ask if you want more beer, they joke around more. It's awesome.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is: IT'S GOOD TO BE ME.

Because, well, the 99.9999999% majority of my friends are, in fact, male. Meaning, I get a lot of attention, I get invited a lot of places, including parties, and I overall, have a lot of friends. It's fucking awesome.

Meet you in the Rye, Catch.

Happiness.

How do you know when you are truly happy? Thing is, no one is ever truly satisfied with their lives because they constantly see flaws in themselves that don't necessarily matter to others. We struggle to try to be accepted by people, but what we don't understand is that we were never rejected to begin with. So instead of enjoying life and being content with who we are and who we will become, we worry about what we aren't and who we never will be. So we tug at our clothes, avoid eye contact, speak softer, and lose all confidence in ourselves as we try to blend in.

We should be who WE are, not who we THINK others want us to be, because in the end, what if our assumptions are only misconceptions? But sometimes, we pretend for such a long period of time, that maybe we forget who we are, where do we go from there? Reinventing ourselves is just another way of playing pretend, is it not? You didn't lose who you are, you lost sight of who you are. You don't need to go to the Amazon for five months to find yourself, just stop focusing on pleasing others, and do what YOU want to do. What you believe YOU would enjoy.

Do not, do not, do NOT let anyone push you down, make you feel inferior, make you feel unimportant. You matter. And if not to anyone else, you owe it to yourself to matter to YOU. Don't let anyone stand in your way of being who you are. Because YOU should be HAPPY. You DESERVE to be happy.

Meet you in the Rye, Catch.

Will.

This girl whom I rarely talk to has been consistently calling me for the past three days, but of course she always has a way of making bad timing, so naturally I'm unable to answer. I've been caught up with work and my own life. You see, the only reason she calls me is to complain about how miserable her life is and how much she needs advice on making it better, but ends up rejecting all of my advice (mind you, I am the best psychiatrist in the world, and everyone else who has been willing to follow my advice has become succesful and happy, problem is, I never practice what I preach; "I can save everyone but myself"). So my thoughts? She just wants someone to feel sorry for her.

I'm sorry, I'm very compassionate for people, I will do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to make sure that I have done everything in my power for you, even if I fail. BUT if you REFUSE to be helped in anyway, I'll give up on you. It really isn't my problem, and those who are not willing will never change.

But, if you are in desperate need of help but have no clue as to what is the first step in the right direction to fix what you have done and you WANT my help, trust me, I will be there faster than half a heartbeat, because there is nothing, NOTHING, I love more, than knowing that I have given my all to make a difference in someone's life. One person's life can affect a million.

Meet you in the Rye, Catch.

Lie.

Disappointment; everyone experiences it, but the greatest disappointment is having someone lie to you. I'm not talking about 'who took the last cookie from the cookie jar?', I'm talking about the horrible lie that causes them to freeze, lose eye contact, and then play it off as if they have no idea what you're talking about, then when you catch [that's me] them in a lie and they just try to make it better by saying that you caught them off guard because they didn't have an explanation when it came down to it.

Alright, now to get you to follow, let me explain to you what happened today. I show up to my boyfriend's house [backstory, a couple of weeks ago he got in trouble with his parent's for drinking and he blacked out and made it a point to make sure that I knew that he wasn't going to drink anymore]. Now, I'm not a nosey girlfriend, I'm not clingy, and I'm very trusting. He was packing up his room and I took a break from helping him and started playing with his phone, only to bring up his text messages. This morning he had sent a message to his friend [whom he spent the night with at his friend's house] saying, "dude, i forgot my handle, get rid of it" now, ladies and gentlemen, a handle is a slang term for hard liquor. I waited a while, and then turned to face him and said, " [Name], what's a handle?" (mind you, i knew what he was talking about in the message). The color in his face drains and he starts mumbling, what is a .. handle... and I waited for his response, which was, "Oh, that's a typo." I was NOT convinced. so i repeated, "What's a handle, [Name]", more sternly. Then he replied, "oh, I didn't drink, I had some leftover from last time and [Friend] wanted it, so i brought it to him".  So at this point, would you believe him? No. No you wouldn't. I was absolutely infuriated that he would think I was dumb enough to believe him for a second. His defense?: "You caught me off guard, I didn't know what to say, you would have thought I was drinking. I was nervous." So my thought is, so next time when I 'catch [again, that's me] him off guard', he's going to lie again? Yeah. Most definitely. Now, I can't trust him. At least when I do something wrong, I admit to it when I'm caught.

But of course disappointment and trust issues will not cause me to leave someone. I will walk a million miles to get walked on in a heartbeat, I guess I'm just too loyal to let go of someone. I have a weakness, being weak. But again, I'm strong enough to catch others when they get lost. Now if only I was strong enough to change their direction.

Meet you in the Rye, Catch.

Change.

"How am i supposed to feel? You strike at my achille's heel with everything that's wrong I can't make right" -Say Goodbye, Black Lab

Mistakes. take out the "ist" and you have "Makes." As in everyone makes them. And of course there will be people who will NEVER let you live them down.

We do stupid things, yeah, but they happen for a reason. Maybe things are supposed to fall apart so that when they're repaired, you make something new out of it. Mistakes cause change. It's this magical thing called trial and error. When you see what doesn't work, you figure out what does.

The hard part is accepting that you did something wrong. Once you do realize, "Hey, I messed up," you get it rubbed in your face. The best thing you an do is move on and make it better. Make it shine like the change you find in your jeans after you took them out of the washing machine.

Meet you in the Rye, Catch.

Falling.

Relationships have a way of making everything a little bit.... sexier. You have a tendency to maybe dress up a little bit, dress down when you dim the lights, mess with your hair a little more, maybe bite your lip a few times, and almost always wear that new sexy pair of underwear that pops out with you lean over just a little too far. Or maybe relationships are more intimate, you're more open with someone, more comfortable with who you are, or maybe just more snuggly. Or sometimes, relationships make you terrified. Absolutely terrified. As if he's watching your every move to assure that you don't screw up. He stops smiling, holding you, or looking at you with those dreamy green eyes. You feel like you're expected to be flawless, willful to his command, and maybe you feel as if sex is the only thing that makes you worth his time.

Sounds like a deal breaker, right? Sike. Some people just don't see the issues. Relationships are a different pair of eyes. The real talent is being able to create your own set of glasses to correct it.
Someone once told me: "Seeing is believing and you believe what you want, but if you only believe what you want to see, there's no sense in knowing the truth". Being open to reality is all it takes to being content again.

Meet you in the Rye, Catch.

Pilot.

Someone inspired me one day when he confidentially told me that sometimes, when no one is around but him, he'd sit down on the ground, place his palms face down touching the ground on both sides of himself, and push. Just push. Now, the method to his madness was the fact that when he performed this random action, he felt like he was pushing down on the earth. To me, I thought he was absolutely brilliant. We live on such a phenomenal plethura of matter that supports life, death, inanimacy, and so much creation, and to exert all of your force towards something so powerful just makes you feel like somewhere out there, you're making something happen.

I thought this story would be a lovely introduction to the first of many blogs. I'm Catch. I am inclined to make things happen. I exert all my energy in helping people and trying to make things work out for the better, which only hurts me because then when I get lost, no one is there to save me. People think that being too compassionate will end up getting me in trouble, but I've still got both hands on the edge. For now.

Meet you in the Rye, Catch.